Friday, July 29, 2011

Sometimes being strong is hard to do

Well I'm glad I have a handy iPad since I will be in bed for awhile. I thought I may as well blog about this crazy week and maybe in a few months when I'm holding this baby I can look back and be reminded how lucky I am. I hope that's how this turns out. I'm so scared it feels like I cant think about much else. I've searching the Internet all day looking for answers and all I could find was horror stories, well they are horrific to me.

I'm haunted by what a Doctor told me today, he said that this may mean that I may miscarry but we'll keep an eye on it and get lots of rest. Then I read stories about women who miscarried just after seeing and hearing their baby. Boy am I dumb for reading those because that just made more afraid. Not afraid of the pain etc. But afraid for my baby, and afraid that if that were to happen I could never come back from it. "You have to try and rest and not stress out." says the Dr. Easy for you to say, it's I impossible!

Thankfully I have Garett who keeps saying, "Everything is going to be fine, I just have a really good feeling." Did you know when I thought I miscarried the other day he went straight to the computer to look up how to console someone going through a miscarriage? He amazes me! The kids are good to have around too, you can't help but smile when Brooke is walking her baby around the house in her pink stroller singing. Blake, he keeps bringing me cookies and food he really knows the way to my heart! Even when he sneaks a bite!

Anyway to shed light on what happened this morning, I woke up with more blood and clotting. Not as much as last time but it was not pretty and so scary. Got to the OB and listened for a heart beat and baby was still going strong. I really want to buy one of those dopler radios now so I can listen every day. Okay maybe every ten minutes, I cant help it. So I will continue to post about this pregnancy and hopefully soon these posts will become more happy and uplifting. Till then I'm going to search online for one of those radios!

Thank you all so much for the kind words and prayers, it means so much to me I can't even express how amazed and thankful you are all in my life!


Thursday, July 28, 2011

A horrifying start today.

Wow, is what I have to say about what happened today. I'm going to share another very personal experience, because this is my life and it's who I am. I'm an open book with nothing to hide and this is important to me.

I woke up this morning and I was having contractions, contractions that were a lot like labor contractions. I had a bad feeling right away and woke up Garett telling him I was scared because I know these kind of pains. A few seconds later I felt a gush and when I saw blood I immediately began whaling, "No, no, no, Oh my God!" when I reached the bathroom I expelled two fairly large masses and quite a bit of blood.

My whole world came crashing down and all I could do was sit there and cry aloud uncontrollably. Garett had to take the kids out of the room, and I called my OB. I explained what was happening and she told me it sounds like a miscarriage and that I needed to be seen asap because I'm so far along that it's rare and can cause other complications and they also want to figure why I miscarried. So we made an appointment for 11pm which was a few house from then.

I cried the entire time, I felt like I had already gone through so much the last few months and now that I am finally feeling better this happens. What did I do wrong? Then Garett came in to console me some more and I just said, "I really wanted this baby." I just kept saying it. I couldn't help but fall in love with it as soon as I found out I was pregnant. You know some people don't know that sometimes you feel that attachment right away, and the love is there and it's very strong. I sat there for what felt like forever just crying. Then I had to scoop my baby into a bag so the Dr. could run tests and I thought, "This is my baby, in this little ziplock bag, why?" it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Finally we get to the Dr. and she does her tests and we all knew what it was but we wouldn't get an answer that said for sure till Friday. So I asked her, "Is there anyway we could find out more today?" and she said she could look for a heart beat and do an ultrasound later today just so I could lose any false hope I had. So she gets her little radio wand out and we start searching to make sure there wasn't a heart beat. Awhile goes by and I start crying then Dr. gasps and we all hear a heart beat.

I just started crying, I couldn't even hold it back. So she goes on to explain that sometimes people have what is called a vanishing twin. Where one baby doesn't develop all the way early in pregnancy and either your body absorbs it or you miscarry it later. She said that may be what happened but we don't know for sure till she sends the mass to be tested. She said it could also be hemorrhaging or a few other things.

Then we go in for the ultra sound to see how the baby is doing, and the baby is just full of life with a strong heart beat. They also checked for other complications or injuries in the uterus and didn't find anything. So, now we just wait to find out what happened.

What did I learn from this?? I learned that I am one very lucky, and fortunate person to be blessed with a family and a healthy baby. I also learned, that I don't have control over everything in my life and that some things are left to God and are a part of his plan. If I did lose a twin, it will be a very sad day Friday, but I will be happy still knowing that there is still a baby growing and living inside me that I will love forever. I will still love the baby I lost and feel like a part of my family is missing, but I know it wasn't meant to be, and maybe this was meant to happen so that I could learn how precious life is and share that experience with you.

I really hope that's not the case, because I know I'll take it harder than I think. There's still a good possibility it's not and so I hope it's nothing serious. What a roller coaster! So I have to take it easy for a few days at least and just ask that you bare with me this week as this will effect me getting things done that was requested, and answering emails. Artsy Addicts kits will still ship this week, but if you email me or requested something from me this week please be patient with me as I will likely stay off the internet for awhile and sleep off the stress. Thank you guys so much.

Marion Smith